Christmas cards for pets are just getting ridiculous, aren’t they?

The Oxford word of the year is ‘brain rot.’ I don’t mean to be pedantic, but it’s not a single word, is it? It’s a bit like me saying my favourite fruit is a pear and apple crumble. Or, my favourite pop singer is S Club 7 (which is actually true).

What are the rules on Whamageddon? I got to mid-December last year before hearing George Michael complain he’d given his heart away again for Christmas and seen it ‘re-gifted’ (will he never learn?). However, I caught my young daughter singing it over the weekend (I clearly should have laid down some ground rules). So, am I out? Has my daughter deprived me of a potential 2024 Wham-less Christmas Day boast? 🤔

My latest attempt at humour - The Speed Awareness Course.

www.chasinganoodle.com/p/the-spe…

The clocks have gone back in the U.K. and, to be honest, I’m not a fan of GMT. I’m sticking with BST. If you want me, you’ll find me in an hour. 🕣

The alternative to the hospital Outpatient wards…

✅ My generosity knows no bounds. Here are the general knowledge quiz answers… www.chasinganoodle.com/p/the-gen…

300 million emojis on our smartphones and the one time we need an emoji for this… not a sausage! 🤷🏻‍♂️

www.independent.co.uk/tv/news/l…

New product idea…

With increased speculation in the press, I feel it necessary to make a statement. Despite being unintentionally deadly with a pair of chopsticks and having recently gained an online degree in sellotaping, I’m ruling myself out of contention to be the next James Bond. 👇

www.chasinganoodle.com/p/putting…

I’m starting an OnlyFans…

Today I started the campaigning group Just Stop Foil – dedicated to ending the tyranny of crinkly aluminium wrapping. Who’s with me?

Exciting news! The IOC asked for my help to brainstorm new events for the 2028 Olympics. Here’s what I came up with… 👇

www.chasinganoodle.com/p/new-oly…

I think athletics relays could be made more interesting if they swapped the batons out for a selection of seasonal vegetables.

Introducing a new concept: the ‘Multi-Story Car Park.’ Visitors drive in and park. Someone then reads them a selection of children’s bedtime books.📚

Came up with a new meat brand today…

The Inconvenience Store - my latest article.

www.chasinganoodle.com/p/the-inc…

I’ve been drinking Smartwater three times a day for 5 years now. At what point will people stop calling me stupid?! 🤔

I was chatting to a couple this morning about ‘mixed-weight’ relationships. One of them understood it, the other didn’t. I think they’re in a mixed-IQ relationship.

I concur…

This is just excellent.

I can’t disagree with this sentiment.

I’m creating a new stage show: ‘Safety Curtain’. I still have a few things to iron out (plot, scripts). But, mark my words, you’ll be seeing SAFETY CURTAIN in theatres up and down the country!

🗳️ Can I count on your vote?

Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be…

🤔 Question: What’s the deal with hotel showers? Multiple dials with different settings and symbols - it’s like trying to crack a safe, naked, at 6 in the morning. What chance do we have?

Ocean’s 11 should have just been George Clooney and Brad Pitt in their bathrooms at the Bellagio, frantically fiddling with dials whilst getting repeatedly frozen and scalded. 🚿

Overestimate me at your own peril.

The moment it hits you that you’ve fallen into a new age bracket (and there’s only 2 left to go!)… 😳

Asked ChatGPT to create an image of the Ministry of Silly Walks. It’s not quite right, is it? 🤔 #airguitar

You know you have OCD when you want to find 4 more facts for a book you’re not vaguely interested in…

Question: Do you think we’ll ever evolve to the point where we no longer need to be reminded to ‘mind the gap between the train and the platform’?

Creativity is seeing what everyone else has seen, and thinking what no one else has thought.” - Albert Einstein. #quotes

What is it with babies' fingernails? You’re having a cuddle, they reach out to touch your face and then… Edward Scissorhands! ✂️

Why do they make trains so damn cold? It’s like they’re trying to preserve a corpse.

“If you’re going to be late, enjoy being late.” - Jude Law. #quotes

Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be…

There are two types of people in this world: Those who know how to use an apostrophe, and those who dont'.

Came up with a new concept today. Face cream for owls. Why has no-one done this before?

Invented a new board game. Unsure if it’ll catch on…

I visited the chemist earlier and was served by a lady called Rosemary. Well, I say “served”; she barely gave me the thyme of day.

Today I completed the full set of being looked at internally through every possible orifice. I imagine this must be the equivalent of EGOT status? 🏆

A man knocked on our door today dressed as an Eskimo and holding a fishing rod. I said to him, “no cold callers,” and told him to sling his hook.

After being so wildly successful with my 2023 predictions, I was asked (by nobody) to write some for 2024. Watch all these come true…